But mom, why?

But mom, why?

Question:  But mom, why?

Answer 1:  Because I said so!

Or

Answer 2: Blah blah blah till the end of time.

What is your answer?

I understand that every family is unique, but I’ve chosen not to adhere to a specific parenting model that was passed down from my parents.

Of course, this does not mean we shouldn't take a page from our parents' book, especially when we're unsure about how to handle certain situations.

Sometimes, we think about how our parents would handle a specific situation, and we might follow their lead.

However, we should act with intention instead of just going on autopilot.

When we borrow some of our parents' methods, it’s helpful to understand why we’re making that choice. Taking a moment to think things through can make a big difference in how we respond.

Of course, there are always situations where we don't have enough time to think, so we act based on instinct and habit.

This is understandable, as we cannot contemplate every situation peacefully.

Still, we should be mindful not to rely solely on our habits.

Making time for self-reflection is key to growth and thoughtful decisions.

Let's return to the topic at hand.

My mother often answered my requests with a simple “NO” or “YES”. If I asked for an additional explanation, the answer would be: "Because I said so!" That always annoyed me. Naturally, she would respond in this manner when she didn't have time to elaborate. In situations when worries and work didn't burden her, we would talk about everything.

But somehow, that moment when the whole story ends with a “NO” without explanation would be so frustrating that I still remember the feeling of an inexhaustible need for further explanation.

Because I still remember her rigid answers to this day. I make a conscious effort to explain everything to my child, even if it requires extra work.

Of course, there are times when I want to shorten the story, and sometimes it can be challenging to fully explain everything. Since I work from home, I often take a break from my work to provide my child with the best explanation possible.

This was a typical conversation we had when she was nine years old ☹.

From wearing a "long sleeve crop top" to the beginning of the world

MY DAUGHTER: "Mom, can I wear a crop top?"

ME: "You can, but you must wear an undershirt."

MY DAUGHTER: "Mom, my undershirt is coming out of my jeans."

ME: "You have a longer one, so wear it."

MY DAUGHTER: "That one is in the laundry."

ME: "Then, wear a regular sweatshirt; for God's sake, it's cold."

MY DAUGHTER:  "But then I look fat."

ME: "Well, that's another issue. It would be best if you paid attention to how much you ate. Now, it's important to avoid catching a cold. And you don't look fat! It's February. You're late for school. Put on a sweatshirt!"

I got up from my computer, dressed my daughter in a regular sweatshirt, and finally dressed myself to take her to school.

I was prepared to leave in thirty seconds, but my daughter was standing in front of the mirror without her shoes on☹.

ME: "Put on your shoes!"

She put on her shoes slowly, and we left the apartment. The story continued on the way to school, and my daughter brought me back to the topic.

MY DAUGHTER: "Mom, when will I be able to wear a crop top?"

ME: "Never! The school has a dress code.

MY DAUGHTER: "But some girls in the school wear crop tops."

ME: "Well, school is not a place to show off bellies; it's not decent."

MY DAUGHTER: "Why is it not decent?"

ME: "We live in a city where people go to school, work, and the theater—dressed! Secondly, it is not summer, and I don't see a beach nearby."

MY DAUGHTER: "Why don't we move somewhere warm?"

ME: "I would like that too, but we don’t have money."

MY DAUGHTER: "When I grow up, I will be a famous tennis player and have money."

ME: "Money can help but can't buy happiness."

MY DAUGHTER: "If I build a church, I will be happy. Do you think God will thank me if I build a church?"

ME: "If you're a kind person and have that desire, he'll be grateful, but don't burden yourself."

MY DAUGHTER: "Am I kind?"

ME: "Yes, you are. Just be careful not to spoil yourself. We all have one white and one black wolf inside of us, as well as good and evil, and you have to be careful which one of them you feed."

MY DAUGHTER: "What do they eat?"

ME: "While the black wolf thrives on hatred, envy, greed, and excessive, unfounded fear, the white wolf thrives on joy, love, art, gentleness, honesty, sincerity, modesty, reading good books, creativity, imagination, sports, and everything beneficial.”

MY DAUGHTER: "Mom, does anyone have only one wolf?"

ME: "I don't know, and I don't have answers to all of your questions."

I was pleased to see that we were close to school, especially since I had to work.

Our discussions always come to an end when we have to cross the street, but that's a topic for another time.

Perhaps some pedagogical professionals would argue against this approach. Maybe I should say: Wait until I finish my work, then we'll talk. In this way, I can teach my child that I, too, have my responsibilities, which they should respect. As I mentioned earlier, I am by no means perfect. I am interrupting my work to dedicate myself to my child, perhaps mostly out of fear that once I finish work, we will both forget about the "hot topic." There is also a saying that goes: "Strike while the iron is hot."

Sometimes, when my child asks a question to which I do not have an answer, I often find the answer for myself too ("just google it" or think deeper), creating a win-win situation. The Internet greatly assists me in this endeavor! 😊 I feel more competent and wiser.

The bottom line is, regardless of whether it's pedagogical to put the child in front of you (I know it's not because, as they say on the plane, put your oxygen mask on first before helping others), at the end of the day, when I look myself in the mirror, I can say I did my best. That somehow soothes and fulfills me more than anything else.

Of course, I don't think leaving work and answering children's questions and sub-questions is entirely correct. It's not easy, particularly when a straightforward question like the one described above finishes half an hour later with a new question about the beginning of the world.

And I don't always work in that manner. Sometimes I'm just too tired. The bottom line is that such a way of treating a child is an investment in the most important mission - to raise a satisfied and fulfilled child.

It's more of a feeling that I'm doing the right thing than a belief.

However, I must admit that it is nice to set aside time for yourself!

Conclusion: I'm not ideal, and I'm not trying to be; I'm just doing my best. Sometimes, I'm tired of doing my best and yearn to take a break and focus on myself. After a break, when my batteries are full, I repeat the cycle of endless answering to the child's questions😊.

Although she is on the verge of puberty now, and I sense that she is becoming less and less interested in these types of conversations - does it mean that I will also be spared? 😊

Or maybe not? I said puberty is coming! Oh no!